Cougarville Christmas
by AccioMuerta
Summary: Secret Santas at Hoggy's and someone's getting enchanted mistletoe while someone's not having much luck at all. a little HG/SS, but mainly SS/MM and a dash of other randomness.


**Disclaimer: None of it is mine except the silly plot.**

**A/N: **Written for the Holiday 2009 Quill Challenge - Secret Santa option. Reviews encouraged just no flames please. I write crazy responses to those, and you probably don't want to receive one of those. Cheers!

* * *

Snape held up a pair of socks and a box of lemon drops. He shot the frowning Minerva McGonagall a 'what are you going to do about it?' type of look.

McGonagall grabbed the socks, folded them, and dropped them into a small gift box on the table. 'You're cheap, Severus.'

'Albus never stated how much or how little we were to spend. Since I've been forced to participate, I intend to spend as little as possible.'

"You're fortunate Albus is more interested in the sentiment than the gift." She waved her wand and the box wrapped itself. "Though why you insist upon having my approval for your lack of interest or expense is beyond me."

Snape looked at her with a hint of amusement. 'I merely wanted a woman's touch.' He took the small present, gave it to an owl, and left the Owlry. McGonagall was fast on his heels.

---

Hermione turned away yet again. Harry was engrossed in the book he and his 'secret' Santa were passing back and forth. Ron was making eyes at Lavender. Lavender kept smiling at Ron. 'Gag me,' Hermione said as she slammed the last book on top of her reading pile and marched up to her dorm. On her bed was a pair of 3D glasses with a note and a frilly pink bow attached.

'For my Secret Santa, to make the invisible visible.'

'Yeah, right,' she said. Hermione put the glasses on feeling as if they could not make her feel any worse. She ripped them off in frustration moments later. 'This is ridiculous,' she said aloud and decided to go for a walk. The glasses fell to the floor and joined the note and bow under Hermione's bed to be forgotten or picked up by a house elf.

---

McGonagall allowed herself a small smile. A woman's touch Snape had said. If only he knew. She pulled the item from her robes, said a brief incantation, and watched as it sped down the corridors toward the dungeon. Sometimes there were perks to the job she never would have imagined. And sometimes those perks had added benefits. Severus Snape had no idea what he was really in for thanks to Albus Dumbledore's insistence the staff and students partake in Secret Santas.

Her gift was about to find not one, but two unsuspecting victims only moments after its arrival.

'You've got to find her and kiss her to make me go away!' a voice said.

Snape looked up, inwardly groaned, and stalked toward his quarters. He would punish the next person he saw, no doubt.

---

Hermione was not watching where she was going. Ron's behavior annoyed her to no end, and yet she could no get him out of her head. So when she found Snape bearing down on her with a gleam of murder in his eyes, it scared her half to death. The fear quickly changed to amusement at the mistletoe above his head. Her amusement then quickly changed to shock when she found Snape's lips moving against hers and his arms pulling her tight to his lean frame. She let out a groan that brought them both back to reality.

'Damn,' muttered Snape and wondered off, mistletoe still floating merrily around his head.

---

He had not intended to kiss her at first, but he really wanted the damned mistletoe gone. Since it was Granger, well, he might as well. One could do worse than the bushy haired know it all when it came to a good snog after all. Not to mention her proximity to the scene had been suspicious.

Truth be said, Snape rather enjoyed kissing her, other than the hair going every which way. But when she groaned in pleasure . . . that was just too much. He had enough sense to not get involved with a student no matter how pliable she was or how sensuous he found her lips. Unfortunately, the mistletoe was still there and had, in fact, taken to jeering at him.

---

'Problem, Severus?' McGonagall said to Snape as he joined the head table for breakfast. She and Dumbledore watched the dour professor with much interest. No doubt he was drawing attention to himself because of his Secret Santa's present, but he tried to downplay it.

'No problem, Minerva.'

Dumbledore took a large bit of toast, and, with mouth half full, leaned toward Snape and said, 'I was just telling Minerva about the delightful socks I received. Would you care to see?' He yanked up his robes and turned to show Snape the argyle socks that came up to his knobby, old man knees. 'Simply delightful, old boy. Soft, too.'

'You should be so proud,' Snape drawled. He'd lost his appetite thanks to the Headmaster.

'You look ill, Severus,' McGonagall said. 'Perhaps someone should see you to the infirmary.'

'I'll be fine,' Snape said. He blasted the mistletoe with his wand, but, like the other ninety-four attempts in the last day, it remained unharmed. 'Whoever did this will come to regret it.'

Dumbledore's eyes shone brightly. 'I'm sure whomever did this only wanted to bring you some joy.' He winked at McGonagall. Snape was too engrossed in Hermione's confusion as she looked between him and the Won Won Lav Lav show.

McGonagall turned back to her own meal, jealous for a moment. She knew what had happened shortly after she sent the mistletoe. For a brief moment she felt jealous, but she swallowed it with her next forkful of food.

---

Hermione knew a relationship with Snape was impossible, but watching Ron still hurt. She could not help comparing the two despite it all. Harry was as useless as ever. He kept hiding behind the book in his hands and sneaking glances at the Slytherin table. 'Just make out already,' she said to Harry who looked at her cluelessly for a moment before returning to his routine.

She found Snape looking at her and took it as a sign to get out. Another package from her Secret Santa had arrived. A quill charmed to clean toilet bowls. 'Enough,' she said and went to confront Luna. Whoever decided Secret Santas were mandatory obviously didn't realize the shit people considered to be good presents.

---

McGonagall reminded herself that frowning was bad. But as soon as she stopped it crept on her face again, particularly in the presence of the Granger girl. She had swallowed her jealousy, but it never quite went away because she knew precisely what Snape had done with the star pupil of Gryffindor. Even looking at Snape reminded McGonagall he had kissed Hermione. Her frown briefly trod into scowl territory. She scoffed at herself and kept walking. Damn her infatuation with that man!

---

Hermione did not get far with Luna. Neville was already with the Ravenclaw, and, despite the idea of Secret Santas being 'secret,' once again, that rule had been broken.

Luna hugged Neville then pawed him playfully with the stuffed toy he had given her. 'Adorable, just like you,' she said. Hermione wanted to gag. She kept walking past.

'For my little cougar,' Neville said and hugged her again.

---

McGonagall had suffered enough and watched Snape do the same. After Granger, he seemed content to let his Secret Santa come to him rather than seek her (or him) out and just endure the ridicule in between. She could not take it anymore.

'Severus, may we speak in private?'

'Come in, Minerva. Sit.' He motioned to the chair apposite his desk. He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

'Perhaps I should stand.'

'Or you could get on with it,' he growled.

She lost her nerve and left.

---

'A moment, Minerva,' Snape said pulling her back into her classroom. Just that morning she had something pressing she did not tell him.

She wanted to jump him then and there but refrained. The corners of her lips bent upward ever so briefly, except Snape was too distracted by the mistletoe to notice. He had been missing a lot with her lately. The green sprig, however, was at that moment doing figure eights above both their heads. Her smile dropped into a more neutral expression as she silently tried to will the mistletoe to behave. 'What can I help you with, Severus?'

He pointed above his head. 'It's Albus, isn't it?'

McGonagall let out a half-scoff, half-giggle, covering her mouth in the process. That was as preposterous a claim as any but hilarious nonetheless because it could have been true.

'I can assure you it most certainly is not.'

Snape, not one to take being ridiculed, turned and left with his robes trailing dramatically behind. McGonagall stopped herself from running after Snape's sexy, brooding self right then and there though she desperately wanted to.

---

Hermione's revenge, in fact, was never to be. The next time she found Luna, Neville was presenting his Secret Santa with a paper heart, a gesture that was sickeningly romantic due to it being Christmas and Hermione being boyless. Maybe she should think more like Harry and look for a mate amongst her own gender? She shuddered at the thought. Nope, she definitely liked men. Not boys, men. Being in Snape's arms was enticingly erotic and she sort of missed them despite the fact he was her professor and much too skinny. Maybe she should consider writing Krum again. He was not high on intelligence, but then, she had crushed on Ron for so long that brains did not matter so much to her. He could, at least, hold a conversation and she would be the talk of the town for being with a champion Quidditch player.

Hermione turned away from Neville and Luna as he presented her with a sprig of non-magic mistletoe. Her next turn was worse, however. It took her into view of Harry and Draco. She was glad she only just caught them out of the corner of her eye and could happily deny anything she may or may not have seen because, after all, she did not see it.

When she thought she could not be anymore scarred for lie, she found Snape finally figuring out his Secret Santa. The mistletoe fell to the ground and burnt to a crisp. 'Cougar,' Hermione said of her head of house as he ran away to burn out her eyeballs forever. But, on the plus side, at least someone was happy, even if it was not she.

---

'Honestly, Minerva, if you knew how long I wanted to kiss you, you would never have had to use the mistletoe,' Snape said. He had only just figured it a moment or two before as she glanced at him as they passed on patrol. Snape did not recognize the look in her eyes at first because he was not used to anyone looking at him that way. But he had seen it so many times between his pupils that it finally clicked.

'Severus, I'm only getting started.' She pulled him down for the kiss letting her lips curve up ever so slightly.

He kissed her passionately. One would never think of Minerva McGonagall as the sort to prey on younger men, but that was precisely her appeal, not to mention Snape had always wanted to get under that stern exterior. Somewhere underneath was a cougar wanting to be set free.

She allowed him to reach up and undo the tight bun on top of her head, her long hair coming loose and cascading down her back. He took it in his hands and pulled her closer, allowing his long fingers to wrap around the soft strands of hair.

Smiling into her lips he said as he continued to kiss her, 'Cradle robber.'

'Merry Christmas, Severus,' she said kissing him back.

'It's about to be merrier,' he said with some very dirty thoughts crossing his mind indeed.

McGonagall dragged him into her classroom. 'I quite agree,' she said disengaging from him just long enough to make sure they would not receive any unexpected guests.

Fin


End file.
